Afraid of..

My wife was afraid of the dark...then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light. –Rodney Dangerfield

Husband's snoring.

A woman called her doctor to complain about her husband's snoring.
"Is there anything you can do?" she said,"Well, there is one operation
that will cure your husband, but it's rather expensive.
$1,000 plus $450 a month for 36 months."
"OH MY GOSH!!!!" exclaimed the woman, "that's like leasing a sports car!"
"Hmm," the doctor murmured. "Too obvious, eh?".

One more drink

Excuse me please, one more drink
Could you make it strong cause I don't need to think
She broke my heart, my grace is gone
One more drink and I'll move on.
- The Dave Matthews Band

As Funny

If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as funny as you are now.
- Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

Top 10 Jokes

'Enjoy and Share these top 10 most precious jokes to get a break from daily tensions. You gonna laugh hard.'

Q: What is height of Secrecy?
A: Offering blank visiting cards.

Why did the banana go to the doctors?
Because he wasn't peeling well

Q: What is height of Craziness?
A: Getting a blank paper Xeroxed.

A lion would never betray her wife but a tiger 'Wood' lol

Q: What is height of Honesty?
A: A pregnant woman taking one and a half ticket.

Sugar is sugar, Salt is salt, God made you dumbo, not my fault!

Q: What do blondes do after they comb their hair?
They pull up their pants.

knock knock!
who!
i m sick!
who i m sick.
i m sick of funny jokes.

Q: Girl to doctor - I have taken an I-pill by mistake. Now what should I do?
Doc: Make love within 48 hrs, otherwise the tablet will not work.

Q: How do you know if a blonde has been in your fridge?
There are lipstick marks on your cucumbers.

My Parents

My parents almost lost me as a child, but they didn't take me far enough into the woods. Every one has a list of problems and issues. But I am #1 on everyone's list.

Time Flies

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity. Albert Einstein

Husband is

A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

Wipe Your Tears

Hey why are you crying.
I got 97 on a test and so upset about it?
Ah than use my 56 to wipe your tears.

Some people really don't care about the party. I only go for free food.

If you would get paid for being lazy, You'd be a billionaire.

My Boss

When I do something without being told, I'm overstepping my authority
When my boss does the same, that's initiative

What job ads really mean

Competitive salary
We remain competitive by paying you less than our competition.

Join our fast-paced company
We have no time to train you.

Casual work atmosphere
We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

Some overtime required
Some every night and some every weekend.

Duties will vary
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

Must have an eye for detail
We have no quality assurance.

Career-minded
Female applicants must be childless.

Apply in person
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told that the position has been filled.

Corporates are like

Corporates are like  you have 2 cows. You sell one, force the other to produce the milk of four cows, then act surprised when it drops dead.

She Puts Lipstick

Your momma is So stupid,, she puts Lipstick on her forehead to "Make up" her mind.

I wouldn't say

I wouldn't say you're Dumb.. I mean you are, but I wouldn't say it.

Trying to be funny

Embarrassing moment when your parents trying to be funny in front of your friends.